a shot in the dark

dearest friends,

this is an apology, for every time that i’ve ended up a crumpled heap and you’ve been the ones who’ve had to pick up the pieces and smooth out the wrinkles.

you keep telling me

you need to love yourself before you can love someone else

and i reply

i wish i knew how

because if it was as easy as waking up in the morning and breaking in a new pair of shoes, i would have done that years ago and saved us all from this heartbreak.

every time someone, that i swear to god i felt a connection with, tells me

i wasn’t sure what i was doing, i’m sorry.

i just want to be friends.

you’re too emotional for me.

it shatters my heart to a million trillion pieces. every time i am told something along those lines, it makes me want to lock my heart up in a box and throw the key away. why would i keep risking getting hurt if i know how this will end up?

and yet, the way that i wholeheartedly love with my entire being is one of my favorite parts about myself. maybe i’m too honest about my feelings, or maybe i expect too much from others, but i just can’t fathom living with the fact that you and me might become a missed connection.

and that’s where the conflict comes.

i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, but no matter what approach i take or how long i wait to say something, the story always ends with me alone in bed, clutching my chest and sobbing into my sheets with an awful awful heaviness in my chest, tears streaming down my face, embarrassment that burns my cheeks and a feeling that i’ve depressingly become all too familiar with.

it’s so goddamn unfair, when you know that you deserve the love and affection that everyone else around you is experiencing, you’re spending time trying to get to know someone, you’re not jumping into things too fast, and you’re not being disrespectful with your feelings, and yet you still end up alone in bed, feeling absolutely awful about yourself and cursing the fact that you said anything in the first place.

i know it’s got nothing to do with me, but when i want affection from someone and i don’t get it, i can’t help but wonder deep down what the hell is wrong with me?

to my friends, i’m sorry you have to keep watching me make these mistakes over and over again. i promise i’m trying my best.

let’s be honest.

i haven’t written on here for a while, and it’s mostly because i’ve been up to my eyeballs in school and newspaper responsibilities. i always go through these phases where i say that i’m finally getting better and that this is the part where i turn over a new leaf and become a ~*~new person~*~. but let’s be real, healing isn’t linear and there’s no deadline for me to improve myself.

i’ve never written something so blatantly honest about myself, so i thought this would be a great time to start since i had a fantastic night out and a killer breakfast to top it off. (i’m looking at you, brenna. i love you and i mean it.)

i’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for many years.

just writing that sentence out brings up a lot of murky thoughts and feelings, but i realized today that i need to be much more honest with the people in my life about what’s going on with me.

so anyway, back to what i was talking about. as a result from my depression and anxiety, the inner workings of my mind work a bit differently than everyone else. for example, in high school up through sophomore year of college, i slept way too much and was constantly exhausted. chalk that up to iron deficiency or depression, but it was hellish to be alive. i remember never feeling fully rested and avoiding social situations because those would make me even more tired to the point where i’d have to spend even more time sleeping to recuperate.

on top of that, my anxiety causes me to have crippling breakdowns that can only be solved through a good cry in bed and a nap. i’ve dealt with that on and off for years, and it especially gets worse when i’m romantically involved with someone.

combine that with a lot of problems with self-worth and self-love, and you get a very complicated tangled mess that i’m still trying to work through, even after years of therapy.

i’ve self-medicated with a lot of booze, junk food and by seeking validation from other people, which has lead to a lot of heartache, misunderstandings and anger.

i guess the reason why i’m writing all of this is because today is the first day in a very long time that i’ve felt truly grateful for everything. i’ve had moments where i honestly didn’t know if i was going to make it through, because i couldn’t see where the chaos would end.

very recently, i was very very close to throwing in the towel and calling it quits, because i didn’t see the point anymore. i couldn’t see myself being strong enough to claw my way out of this hell hole. i remember being swaddled in my bed, crying so hard i didn’t have any tears left, and not for the reason you’d expect. it wasn’t because i was so sad that i wanted the earth to swallow me up, but rather because i was imagining trying to break the news to a much younger self that i was finally giving up on her.

i remember vividly as a teenager believing that it would all get better as soon as i grew up. but here i am, nearly 22 and wanting to end everything because i’m still the same person, with the same issues as when i was a teenager. essentially, nothing had changed.

imagine spending more than half your life struggling with a mind and body that took twice the amount of effort to keep sort of running? and then realizing that this is what normal looks like for you? and then pushing your body so hard that you crashed and didn’t have the heart to pick up the pieces? and then wishing you could just sleep and never wake up?

imagine how difficult it is to break that news to your starry-eyed and (somewhat) hopeful younger self that you wanted it to end?

but thinking back to that moment, i’m glad i hid that kind of rock bottom. because the remorse i was feeling for almost letting down my younger self meant that i still cared. deep down, there was still a tiny bud of hope that i attribute to what pulled me through this time around.

god, it’s difficult.

anyway, i’m writing this because i realized that memorable moments in life aren’t as few and far between. it just takes a bit of open mindedness and flexibility and patience.

thanks for reading.

and to my younger self, we’ll hang in there. i’ll take care of us.