has your heart ever felt so heavy that you wondered how on earth it was doing its job of keeping you alive?
maybe you’ve cried so much that you don’t have any tears left and your aching body is tired from all the sobbing.
or maybe you’ve pushed up the sleeves of your sweatshirt and dragged your sharp nails down your wrists for the first time in years, leaving the all too familiar red stripes down your arm.
and then you feel fine for a couple days (maybe even weeks), and you think to yourself that maybe this is the turning point for you. this is the point where you’ll finally feel normal for the first time in your life.
i feel great, this is great, life is great.
but then it slams into you like a goddamn train. you drive past Sunset Drive-In, where a boy once took you for a movie, and you grip the steering wheel until your knuckles turn white. you hold your breath until the movie theater is out of your sight, but the thought of this boy is still on your mind. you two haven’t talked because he’s not alive anymore.
you don’t understand how or why you still think about him, but he creeps into your mind at least once a week. it’s infuriating and depressing to say the least.
and when it gets really bad, to the point where you’re starting to think
this is the worst i have ever felt in my life, i will never recover from this,
your mind wanders back to the thought of that boy, wondering how on earth you are going to avoid the same fate as him, even though you two are carved from the same stone. you two were so different, and yet so similar.
you wish you could see him one more time, just to talk. you wonder how lonely he must have felt toward the end.
your heart hurts for him.
you look at the clock, it’s suddenly 1:30 a.m. and you close your eyes.
you wake up the next morning, forgetting the battle from last night for a split second.
oh wait. that happened.
you feel awful again.