strum your heartstrings

sad (adj.): affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful:
to feel sad because your heart hurts so bad you don’t know what to do with yourself.


ever since the last person i was romantically involved with decided to pack his bags and leave four months ago, there hasn’t been a lot of anything in my life.

while it’s nice to spend time alone and get to know myself better, it is a lonely existence. the nights are cold in my bed, the days are filled with flaunting examples of what i want and can’t have. when i try to bring it up with my friends, i get told that it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be, and that i need to not put value on being somebody’s something.

pfft. that’s easy for you to say, you HAVE someone to adore.

part of me is so tired of this cycle and this constant sad cloud following me and my throat constricting and my heavy chest heaving with every wild fit of rage that inevitably happens when things get really bad. another part of me isn’t quite sure that i’ll ever be able to feel differently. and then the last part of me is scared shitless about having to deal with this for the rest of my life.

hey, woah listen. it’s not all that bad, at least you’re not curled up in bed shaking from anxiety and insecurity about the person you’re seeing. don’t you remember what that was like? how awful that was? how bad it felt to feel like you were being lied to your face? at least you’re not in that place anymore. you made a pact to yourself that you wouldn’t do that to yourself anymore because you know you deserve better.

well yeah, but picking between one pile of steaming shit and another pile of steaming shit isn’t exactly easy. i’d rather feel nothing at all than have to deal with feeling the intensity of a thousand fiery suns while simultaneously drowning in a roaring tsunami. whoever thought it was funny to give me twice the normal amount of human emotions can cut that shit out now. it’s getting really fucking old.

on top of that, i didn’t realize that the normal chatter inside my head about being someone’s somebody would get turned off when i became single, and instead replaced with absolutely nothing. that’s a lot of emptiness and room for internal speculation, and it’s starting to drive me insane.

there’s only four months left of college and i don’t think i’m going to meet anyone new. i spend every social gathering trying earnestly to connect with people and it just doesn’t happen. when you come back from a year in a different country, it’s really difficult to find a point in trying to interact with people who you won’t be seeing regularly in four short months.

and that’s the sad part. i don’t have any energy left in me to try and make connections with people, but the longer i wait to do it the more sorrow starts to pool and puddle in my heart.

i think the real dilemma that i’m struggling with fighting off is the thought that there is a slight possibility that this is what my reality will look like for the rest of my life — i’ll spend the rest of my life cycling between different shades of sadness.

today i sat in my chair at work and my body was numb. i tried in vain to do work, but my eyes glazed over and the words on my screen didn’t look like words. everyone kept trying to talk to me about how my weekend was, and i felt so ungrateful that i wasn’t happier. but to tell you the truth, every time i opened my mouth i felt like running to the bathroom and slamming the door behind me and sitting on the cold tiles while sobbing with my head between my knees.

i keep searching in vain for ways to feel better. for ways to make this body stop hurting and to fill the gaping shredded hole in my chest. when people tell me that i shouldn’t want to be someone’s somebody, it feels like i’m being told to just deal with the jagged edges of the hole in my chest. it feels like i’m trying desperately to feel better while my friends keep pulling my hands away from the bandages, telling me that i shouldn’t feel like i need to fix anything. that i am worthy and whole on my own.

how do i find the words to tell you that this hurts too bad and i’m growing weary of having to deal with this by myself, alone, in my bed, every single night? how do i find the words to tell you that i’m sick of people leaving my life, but even more scared of the fact that maybe one day i won’t have anyone in my life to leave me?

it sucks. and when you couple this with the fact that i recently met someone who i’m genuinely interested in and he’s perfect in every sense of the word and i spend hours every day funneling all of my romantic hopes and dreams into this distant perhaps, there’s no point in sugarcoating the truth. he lives too far away and no amount of googling the distance between me and him will make him appear at my doorstep.

life is (sometimes) a sick joke and i wish i was better equipped to handle it. i don’t know how i’m going to learn to carry this.