i feel like i can take on anything with you right by my side

On our last night together, we got ready for bed and held eachother close. My body rested on top of yours, while you held me very tight and I pressed my face into your skin, breathing in your smell.

What’re you thinking about?

You replied

Just about this. And trying to remember how good this feels.

You squeezed me tight. My eyes welled up. I was speechless.

The heavy hearted sobbing that I had stifled back the night before welled up again, threatening to break the dams and spill over onto my cheeks.

How did i get so lucky with a boy like you?

I brushed my teeth and crawled back into bed with you, relishing for the last time what it felt like to slip into the soft cocoon of your bed. We held each other tenderly, and I whispered to you.

Are you scared? 

You replied

Yes, but I think some of the best things in life are scary. It means we’re doing the right thing.

I asked

What are you most scared of?

 You replied

Growing apart from you and losing this. But we’ll both try our best to not let that happen.

 I sobbed.

I’ve never been great at controlling my emotions, and the next couple of months was going to be a huge test on my emotional stability.

I’ve never spoken this softly.

I just need a little help with judging how much is too much. I’ve never been great at finding the right balance of emotions.

You replied

I’ll be gentle, I promise.

 A couple days ago we were talking about our greatest weakness. I confessed that I didn’t really like how emotional of a person I was.

But don’t you think that’s your greatest strength as well? I love how emotional you are. You feel things very deeply.

 Shit. I don’t know how I got so lucky to deserve this.

hello, are you there?

has your heart ever felt so heavy that you wondered how on earth it was doing its job of keeping you alive?

maybe you’ve cried so much that you don’t have any tears left and your aching body is tired from all the sobbing.

or maybe you’ve pushed up the sleeves of your sweatshirt and dragged your sharp nails down your wrists for the first time in years, leaving the all too familiar red stripes down your arm.

and then you feel fine for a couple days (maybe even weeks), and you think to yourself that maybe this is the turning point for you. this is the point where you’ll finally feel normal for the first time in your life.

i feel great, this is great, life is great.

but then it slams into you like a goddamn train. you drive past Sunset Drive-In, where a boy once took you for a movie, and you grip the steering wheel until your knuckles turn white. you hold your breath until the movie theater is out of your sight, but the thought of this boy is still on your mind. you two haven’t talked because he’s not alive anymore.

you don’t understand how or why you still think about him, but he creeps into your mind at least once a week. it’s infuriating and depressing to say the least.

and when it gets really bad, to the point where you’re starting to think

this is the worst i have ever felt in my life, i will never recover from this,

your mind wanders back to the thought of that boy, wondering how on earth you are going to avoid the same fate as him, even though you two are carved from the same stone. you two were so different, and yet so similar.

you wish you could see him one more time, just to talk. you wonder how lonely he must have felt toward the end.

your heart hurts for him.

you look at the clock, it’s suddenly 1:30 a.m. and you close your eyes.

you wake up the next morning, forgetting the battle from last night for a split second.

oh wait. that happened.

you feel awful again.

lather.

rinse.

repeat.

 

 

 

a shot in the dark

dearest friends,

this is an apology, for every time that i’ve ended up a crumpled heap and you’ve been the ones who’ve had to pick up the pieces and smooth out the wrinkles.

you keep telling me

you need to love yourself before you can love someone else

and i reply

i wish i knew how

because if it was as easy as waking up in the morning and breaking in a new pair of shoes, i would have done that years ago and saved us all from this heartbreak.

every time someone, that i swear to god i felt a connection with, tells me

i wasn’t sure what i was doing, i’m sorry.

i just want to be friends.

you’re too emotional for me.

it shatters my heart to a million trillion pieces. every time i am told something along those lines, it makes me want to lock my heart up in a box and throw the key away. why would i keep risking getting hurt if i know how this will end up?

and yet, the way that i wholeheartedly love with my entire being is one of my favorite parts about myself. maybe i’m too honest about my feelings, or maybe i expect too much from others, but i just can’t fathom living with the fact that you and me might become a missed connection.

and that’s where the conflict comes.

i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, but no matter what approach i take or how long i wait to say something, the story always ends with me alone in bed, clutching my chest and sobbing into my sheets with an awful awful heaviness in my chest, tears streaming down my face, embarrassment that burns my cheeks and a feeling that i’ve depressingly become all too familiar with.

it’s so goddamn unfair, when you know that you deserve the love and affection that everyone else around you is experiencing, you’re spending time trying to get to know someone, you’re not jumping into things too fast, and you’re not being disrespectful with your feelings, and yet you still end up alone in bed, feeling absolutely awful about yourself and cursing the fact that you said anything in the first place.

i know it’s got nothing to do with me, but when i want affection from someone and i don’t get it, i can’t help but wonder deep down what the hell is wrong with me?

to my friends, i’m sorry you have to keep watching me make these mistakes over and over again. i promise i’m trying my best.